I realised I haven’t been writing a lot lately. There were tons of work and things to be done but I guess I didn’t pause my daily writing because of it. I just couldn’t dig deep enough into a certain subject I want to talk about. I felt so shallow inside. There are so many things to talk about, there are so many things that I want to talk about, yet here I am.
Song: Words, Gregory Alan Isakov. This Empty Northern Hemisphere
I just noticed that almost everything I write starts with a beginning statement of the current weather. I guess there’s always a link between the weather to a person’s mood? Well at least to me, it does. A lot. Sydney weather the past week has been patchy. It would be so sunny and humid, then it would rain and turn cold. And it will rain all the way through this weekend. The rain really gives me two kinds of moods: either very melancholy or enjoyable and worth looking at. I’m always very explicit about how I feel, it’s like I know myself so well. But know I just don’t. I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to write about. I just don’t.
It’s been a hard couple of weeks for me. I just felt so discontented with my life and everyone around me. I feel like I’m living, and breathing, and you know, present, but inside I’m just hollow. I look at people, I look at their smiles and their greetings to me, all their mannerisms and I just feel so, empty. You know there are those kinds of things when you do too much and you will reach a point when you stop thinking about what you do. And then everything becomes empty. I feel like I can’t really trust people anymore, not exactly because people are not the most reliable species in the whole world, but just because it’s so much better if you keep things to yourself. People see me as a weirdo when I say this, but I enjoy loneliness. A lot. I like being by myself, listen to my kind of music, and read the books that I like. In your own world, nobody tells you what to do, you are not guided by your ego or everyone else’s ego, because that’s when it’s just you and you can just be completely honest to whatever you’re doing. You actually stop and look at what you’re doing. And you know, this can’t always go well. I know there are times when I really shouldn’t be by myself, alone with my thoughts, but there are other times when being alone just really make you realise what you have and appreciate your life more.
Being away from home, although there are countless benefits, just turned me into a much introverted person to who I used to be. I become truer to myself, but also enclosed my characters a bit to other people. I guess it’s not the language or anything cultural-wise, it’s just that when you’re away and you’re on your own with your feelings, your thoughts, and your actions, you will realise that the world will go on despite how you feel towards that fact. It will go on even if you’re having a bad day. So you can swallow everything in, take a deep breath and move forward, or sink in your own loneliness. And god, I sometimes went for the second option because come on, lying around crying is so fun and joyous. But I guess the more involved you are in your world and the world around you, the more you learn. And you will learn that in a couple years time, you will probably look back and not even remember what you were thinking at that moment, or why you did what you did. What is kept inside your heads are the flash images of the experiences and the memories. So make it count.
“And I’ll send you my words
From the corners of my room
And though I write them by the light of day
Please read them by the light of the moon…”
God I can’t express how beautiful the Gregory Alan Isakov’s music is. I remember the tunes of “Dandelion Wine” back a couple of years ago. His lyrics express his characters so perfectly. His music is so powerful that so many people can feel themselves in it, can relate to his words and can enjoy his music to the fullest. It’s just on a completely different level. He’s one of those artists that produces tunes that I can’t really describe with words. There’s no word to describe his music. You just have to listen to it.
Woah I spent two weeks of sitting in front of my laptop, not knowing what to write. This is probably the fastest I’ve ever gotten to finishing a post. Probably the realest as well. That’s why everything is messy, unfixed, unplanned. I just needed something to let it alll, or a part of it all out. Because I guess I can’t really hold it inside any longer. I hope everything is well for everyone next week. 🙂